Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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