no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
