Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
