She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
