32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
