:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
