I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Randomize
