3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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