We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize