all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
