I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
