I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
