you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
