I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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