I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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