I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
