If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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