It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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