Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
