Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
