i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
