dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
