just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
