Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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