There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
