I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
