Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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