Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
my being single is dangerous.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
