I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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