I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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