6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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