just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
