I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
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