i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
