he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
what is it with giant penises always finding me
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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