you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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