He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
