Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
