he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
