I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
