Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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