I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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