I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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