I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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