he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
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