once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
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