the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
