im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
two words...techno handjob
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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