i think my tv is drunk
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
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Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
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I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.