i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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