Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
