Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
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Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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