Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
