Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
